A Dog Chrismas Story

Our brightly lit tree twinkled and taunted from the corner of the room, but had made it well so far - only losing a few low-hanging ornaments.  Our attentive doggie damage-control toddler monitoring techniques had paid off in the last few months and it was obvious.  Naughty puppy behaviors were down by at least 80%, and the chaos of having toddler dogs was transforming slowly into some light and random teen-aged defiance.  With Christmas just two days away, we had planned to light a fire that night, have some wine, and just relax a bit; but first there was one last errand to be ran.  A trip to the drug store would only take a minute, and the dogs, who laid like boneless plushies on the living room floor, were just too cute and innocent-looking to disrupt.   . 

15 minutes passed before our return.   The first indicator that something was a amiss came in the form of a lone small yellow and black peice of paper that had drifted to the back entry.  "Uh oh..what is that?" Jason's ninja puppy damage-control vision spotted the item instantly. 

"Where are the dogs?"  I sped around the corner, flung my purse to the table, and laid my eyes upon a perfectly upright and decorated Christmas tree; under it, presents with bows in tact snuggled safely together.  Three waddling and slightly slower moving dogs walked up to greet me.  A brief sigh of relief was interrupted as my eyes wandered towards the clean fireplace and I heard Lyla licking her lips. 

"Wait," the word carried with shivers of panic.  "Wasn't there a.."   - My husband, Jason, finished the sentence, "a box of FireLogs!  Where did it go?!" 

We scanned the large living room completely, only to find a few more scraps of slobbery bumble-bee colored fire log wrapping and a few bits of orange and black Duraflame logo. 

"Oh god," Jason exhaled as he wandered out of the front dining room carrying an empty and badly mauled Duraflame box.  "I think there was only one left, but maybe two," he explained in a forced hopeful tone.  "They've been busy!" 

Looking down at the adoring faces of our three now-flammable dogs, I could see the look of 'oops' in their eyes.  Their swollen bellies shifting to and fro as they wandered the room looking for comfortable spots to sleep off their poor meal decision.  Visions of emergency room visits danced through my head as Jason ran for the phone and dialed Animal Poison Control. 

How the words 'fine' and 'consumed a firelog' can appear in the same sentence - I will never understand.  Of course, "either they'll vomit it all up or it will come out the other end," came out of the Poison Control Professional's mouth next, so this explains the expertise that we were working with. 

We were advised to dose Pepto Bismol consistently on the hour to "help."  No other advice was offered, so a minute later I was huddled with three burpy puppies smelling of lighter fluid on the living room floor, doggie medicine shooter loaded and firing thick, chalky, pink pepto down their gullets.  In hindsight I see that our minds may not have been entirely clear and operational that day, as the reaction that followed can only be described as very poor planning.  

One might think that dog vomit alone is bad, and I agree.  But then there's dog vomit plus flammable firelog chunks, which definitely has a smell all to itself.  In my vast dog vomit experience catalog this smell is second only to that of doggie car sickness vomit, which defies all laws of logic and stench to create what can only be described as something the devil would throw up after eating too many hate-gummies during his favorite holocaust movie.  So this was second on the list to devil barf/ car dog vomit.  But I'll spare you the charts and graphs.


As I was saying, Duraflame logs and Pepto combined in a torrent of dog tummy terror almost instantly.   
We may have had a minute before the chase began.  First it was Jack, the fastest, that made the all-too-familiar 'urp urp' noise.  Anyone who has a dog or cat knows that "urping" is the universal signal for 'this sucker is gonna blow!"   Of course our cats, being the kind-hearted and thoughtful felines that they are, would probably choose to make this noise from the top of our favorite peice of furniture or pillow.  The dogs however did not spend much time planning and just wandered about, bodies heaving, like little furry bombs counting down: 4 urp, 3 urp, 2 urp, 1...

 
It was this moment that I realized my most catastrophic mistake - well, aside from leaving three dogs out with a flammable box of chewy paper-wrapped wood.   In all my panic, I had failed to contain three sick dogs before dosing them with the pinkest most syrupy stuff known to man.

If you have ever played the game Wack-a-Mole, you can understand the situation that followed.  Urping and vomiting sounds filled our house as Jason and I chased around three large dogs, each equally sick, confused, and running like hell away from the crazy people that just shoved pink disgusting goo down their throats.  The Pepto plus the highly flammable syrup in which the wood had been soaked in resulted in the same reaction as the volcano experiment often seen at science fairs.  Pink bubble-gum-hued foam outlined each dog's mouth like a happy santa beard on a not-so-happy pooch.

Devil vomit and dog car sickness may stink the worst, but the appearance pales in comparison to the loads of pink, syrupy, foamy, and chunky streams of pure nightmare shooting out of three dogs simultaneously.  The once beige carpet became spotted in festive Hubba Bubba toned puddles.  Perfectly clean red, tan, and black and white freckled paws became pink.  Parts of the wall: pink.  The gory visions burned permanently into our brains:  ALL PINK. 

Once the carnage had past and we had all been sufficiently slimed by the poor puppy parenting blob of revenge, Jason and I mopped, wiped, and scrubbed our house clean of our mistakes, leaving light baby girl pink stains on various areas of our floor.  The dogs slept soundly that night, and awoke the next day unscathed.  We, on the other hand, we scarred for life.  Thank goodness we have their love to help us cope with these hardships.

Writer's note:

This happened quite a few years ago.  Also, I am a trainer and behaviorist, but this does not make me or my dogs perfect.  In fact, I rather like them in their imperfect state best.  After all, if it weren't for my mistakes, and trust there have been many, I would have a lot less wisdom to share with my clients.  Case and point: always contain your dog on solid flooring if they are suffering from an upset tummy.  This is especially true if you have dosed them with bright pink Pepto Bismol.  Yes, you can thank me later.

I'm Ready to Get a Dog - Now What?

Once we've made the decision to adopt a dog, then the search is on.  All of the sudden our pants are on fire and it's a rush to find an extinguisher.   But take a moment to consider your options here, and you and your dog will reap the benefits.


First, shift gears from consumer mode for a moment.  We don't shop for dogs, we shop for shoes.  Dogs are family members, confidants, and friends.   You should not be spending more time shopping for a new computer than you do looking for a dog.  Give them the respect they deserve when looking to invite one into your family.  Don't expect to come home on the same day with your new dog, expect to go through an adoption process that involves planning. Consider the below Do's and Don'ts before adopting.  You'll thank us later.


DO NOT go to a pet store.  The majority of these dogs come from puppy mills - a cruel and sick industry that tortures animals, creates sick and inbred dogs, and feeds off of public ignorance.  Don't be ignorant. 

DO NOT make an impulse buy on the side of the road.  These dogs are from puppy mills too. The sweet family that you are about to hand your hard-earned $300 to breeds dogs for profit.  These people often buy their dogs from Mexican puppy mills, then smuggle them over the border to make 5-10 times the money.  They do not care about those animals and they do not care about you.  If they seem otherwise it is because they are well-rehearsed con artists.   If you feel compelled to save their dogs, stomach it and drive directly to your local shelter.  You'll find plenty more dogs there who need to be saved, and your money will go to a group aimed at stopping this vicious industry instead of feeding it.

DO NOT buy from back yard breeders.  Well bred dogs are not bred in the dirt or the laundry room,  and they certainly aren't the product of some family's beloved in-tact Pit Bull who made babies with the neighbor's Mastiff.   There is science, investment, and tons of dedication in breeding pure bred dogs - and even then there are some serious ethical questions to be answered.   

How does one rationalize breeding more dogs when, for every one human in the U.S., there are seven homeless dogs on death row?   
The costs often outweigh the profits for breeders too, making it a much less profitable industry than one might think.   Plus, the circles in which champion dogs are bred are elitist, expensive, and highly selective about who their dogs go to.  If all you are wanting is a good family dog, there is absolutely no reason to purchase one from a breeder, no matter what your requirements are.  Trust that there are literally hundreds, even thousands, of dogs who would give you exactly what you are looking for.

DO adopt from a shelter.  Big, small, purebreds, mutts, allergy-friendly breeds, puppies, and potty trained dogs galore!  They come vetted for a nominal adoption fee and they are always grateful to finally have a home.  Don't make the mistake of thinking these are throw away dogs. Plenty of rescues have won obedience and agility competitions.  Mutts tend to have more stable temperaments and fewer health issues than purebreds. We prefer the term 'originals' instead of mutt in our family. Our dogs are awesome!

DO adopt from breed-specific rescues.  If you have your heart set on a purebred, we understand.  We know there's no face quite like that of a Golden's and no nubby butt wiggle like that of a Boxer's.  Because of this intense love of certain breeds there are breed-specific rescues.  These groups end up with the dogs from people who don't consider number three on this list before rushing out to buy a dog.  Sadly, people buy hounds and are surprised when they bark; they buy Yorkies and are appalled when they are difficult to potty train; and the list goes on.  When these people realize that they made a poor decision, they take the dog to a shelter.  IF that dog is lucky, a breed-specific rescue will be able to pull them from death row.  These organizations are largely foster family based and go to great lengths to work with the dogs and place them in homes that are well-suited for them.  They often have pretty intense application and qualification processes because of this.  They will tell you the truth about the dog and any challenges you need to be prepared for.   Want a tiny teacup pooch or a giant dog?  No worries, there are size-specific rescues too!

And there you have it - the best tips on where and how to get the dog you want.  Need more help or want to make sure you choose wisely?  Contact your local trainer.   They can help you prepare your home and family, and they can even help you evaluate dogs up for adoption to see who might best suit you. 

Notes on choosing a dog

 Yet another email I sent to a couple looking to adopt their first dog right after buying their first new house.  I send these a lot.  Some of my views on buying versus adopting and puppies versus older dogs are discussed here.  Not a complete list of ins and outs, but worth posting none-the-less.

A few things to consider when choosing your dog:

1. Puppies are very destructive - especially the powerful breeds like Chow Chow, Labrador, Shepherd, etc. They require at least 2 long walks a day and will not be satisfied by just playing in the yard. Are you sure you want to mix puppy and new house? No matter how careful you are about kenneling and monitoring, you will almost definitely have at least a few potty accidents, wall chewing, wire chewing, etc. Puppies must teeth, so they also must chew. A trainer can help you get through it with minimal damage, but it takes most dogs 1-2 years to mature enough to be trusted regardless of how early you start training.  A puppy may sound like a  fun and cute idea, but you may regret it.

2. You can still adopt a young dog, 5 months and older, at the shelter and shape their personality while skipping the super destructive phases. Dogs are very adaptive and smart - it is never too late to train.  There may still be some chewing, jumping, and other young dog behaviors depending on the age of your dog, but this makes them no different than a dog you would buy from a breeder. Keep in mind that the dogs at the shelter are not bad dogs.  They are simply overflow from the millions of households and breeders who carelessly allow their dogs to breed when there are already too many.  It is a simple issue of overpopulation.  When there are too many people and not enough homes, we end up with homeless people.  Works the same way for animals, only there are a lot more homeless dogs and cats in this world than there are people.  Approximately 7 dogs to every one person in the states. 

3. I highly recommend, whether or not you decide to adopt a puppy or a 5+ month old, that you adopt a mix breed. Unless you are planning to drop $3000 and show the dog, there is no real reason to buy a purebred. Plus, purebreds tend to have more medical issues and temperamental imbalances than most mixes. All purebreds were designed with a specific job in mind, so they are prone to more severe behaviors. Plus, these days they are often bred for looks and not health or personality, meaning there are dangers of health issues, in-breeding, and corruption in the blood lines - all for the sake of a "pretty" dog. It is nearly impossible to know about these issues when you go to buy a puppy. Keep in mind that the dog breeding industry is not a regulated one. Finding a good breeder is like finding a trustworthy tow truck driver. Not likely.